Living, breathing… neither of those are an easy task, when memories come barreling out of the dark to assault the already precarious balance you have managed to scrape out for yourself. I want to scream how I feel to the mountain tops, I want to crawl into a hole and hide. I want to cry for who I used to be, I want to dance in joy at who I am… now. Conflict-ions, contradictions… I am woman hear me roar. I don’t like feeling this way… but I can’t deny how I feel either.
One moment I feel as if I could fly…. another I feel as if my heart is going to burst from my chest. I don’t like this weakness, I don’t like surprises. I don’t like being disrupted. I want what I cannot have… I want what I’ve denied and given up…. I want what is not responsible of me. If nothing else is to be known of myself, I am honorable, I am responsible. I do what is right, even if it cuts me to the bone.
I’m struggling right now. This too shall pass… I’ve weathered harsher storms, but none so cold as this.
Flailing at Forty 